(heaton/rotheray)
with a face like a crab´s bus ticket
and skin like a llama´s door mat
he was always gonna struggle
nature had seen to that

he dreamt of those old-fashioned movies
where bogart gets the dame
but a lorry load of lorre
is still the score of pain

and he sings
i may be ugly
but i´ve got the bottle-opener
he may be fat but he´s got the cork-screw
and in the party party politics of this ugly fame
there is no orderly queue

with a chin like a tramp´s juke-box
and eyes like a rhino´s ash-tray
it was always going to be pantomime
that made him sing and dance anyway

when you feel like london
and you look like hull
you think travolta pulled newton - john
who did john hurt pull?

and they compliment the compliment
and it´s driving you insane
it´s like talking to a helicopter
when you know that you´re a plane

breath like a mountain goat´s satchel
nose like a pool of sick
but you always leave your flies ahoy
´cause the world wants to suck your dick
let it suck!

and he sings
i may be ugly
but i´ve got the bottle-opener
he may be fat but he´s got the cork-screw
and in the party party politics of this ugly fame
there is no orderly queue